Behind the scenes peak at the Cabal of Clowns...

It occurs to me that Orwell got a lot right but not quite everything. Newspeak is definitely among us, but at it's most insidious, it's corporate jargon, talk and general nonsense. Where we work has more to do with how we think than news or internet or cellphones. We're bombarded. So, Big Brother will probably look less like James Mason or Burt Lancaster and more like, well, Mitt Romney. The CEO of today is the big brother of today.

Got this from a friend who was wondering what it really means. Since he's an engineer and  I am supposedly an expert on this Human Resources-Employee Realtions -- Engagement stuff, he wondered if I might translate. Well, it seems pretty universal to me...you'might be amazed at the number of Human Resources professionals named Erin by the way. The equivalent guy name appears to be Chuck, Chad or Bob. The Erin's usually do not have an Irish last name because their Yuppie parents got a list of the most popular baby names in 1974 and there it was. Can't explain about the guys. Most of the Erins actually still have souls...optimism not completely crushed because, if they keep trying, they can really make a difference, Goddamnit, Mike. But, with their door closed, they tend to cry a lot...

 This is the email Verbatim although I did change the consulting firm to something neutral...

Good afternoon,

I wanted to provide you with an update regarding the results of the Employee Engagement Survey.  

On September 21^st at the Manager’s Off-Site Meeting, the attendees were provided with a general overview of the results by American Social Scientific World People & Process Dynamics.  (ASSWPP-D)Additionally, the results were compared to other “Top Workplaces” in the Engineering industry of firms in similar size. 

The Executive Team was given all of the aggregate results and each member of the team read all 848 anonymous comments.  The Executive Team was asked to look for common themes. I reviewed the specific regional results with each Regional Vice President.  The RVPs were then asked to review this information with the managers in their regions.  

Tomorrow, the Executive Team and the Regional Vice Presidents will get together for a half-day working session to come up with some next steps in response to the results.  

We will continue to keep you updated. 

Thanks,

Erin

Erin  

Fascinating, right. Typical corporate crap...however, this is from the Man Behind the Mirror...this is what it really means.

Translation:

 JESUS, GOD, PLEASE HELP ME ESCAPE from this...SOBSOBSOB, WAAAAAA!

I told them that this was probably not going to work and now it's going to be my fault and I don't care...

We read looked at the statistics done by the HR Stastitics nerds for several thousand dollars an hour each that came out of the bonus fund. 

We looked serious. 

When they showed us the comparators, we looked concerned. 

They gave us the results that they;d just briefed us on. We looked studious.

They gave us the remarks. We reacted like dead clowns with Sticks up our Asses.

We had lunch. 

We looked for themes -- big deal. Couldn't take it seriously, because you hate us. 

We had coffee and looked tired.

We broke early and had dinner, so " Erin can send out a professional summary of what we'd been doing so the troops will know we really car" and they wouldn't have to watch me sob hysterically at my own hypocrisy.... 

Money for the coffee, lunch and dinner came out of the employee training fun. 

Tomorrow we'll fishbone and storyboard and pareto and all that crap.

Money to pay for breakfast, lunch , dinner, coffee and drinks after will come from the employee raise fun. 

 

Went down to the "Delicious Dinner Buffet" -- the wine was gone, the entree was picked over, there were bugs in the salad and cold peas in the mashed potatoes. I had a dry turkey sandwich on white because they'd run out of mayonaise. A  drunken troll VP gulping down a porterhouse slapped me on the ass and told me I was "fucking doing a great job, little lady."I may kill myself.

RUN AWAY AND TAKE ME WITH YOU!!

Erin Kovalikesbarxlshexz ( I hate my name! I hate my job! I hate people!)

Assistant to the Assistant to the Assistant to the Assistant to the Assistant